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I begin this next excerpt of my journey in awe over what transpired last week. I was hospitalized on 11/22/24, having emergency surgery 11/23/24 to remove an 11cm mass encapsulated around my left ovary. My ovary was twisted around my left fallopian tube, therefore the mass, ovary and fallopian tube all had to be removed and I have been recovering since.
I will discuss the ins and outs of that journey at another time. I appreciate you all taking this journey with me and sticking with me through my bumps in the road.
March 10, 2022 - As I waited for my husband to pull the car around for me, I had the number 16 in my head. I had tears in my eyes all while having a smile on my face thinking I am only 16 days away from my first treatment. Finally, I had met with a physician that listened to me thoughts and feelings and who offered me help.
My husband helped me get in the car and by the time he had gotten back into the driver's seat, I was a mess. I was so happy and yet, I became internally angry (of which I did not share with my husband). I was happy that all the stars had aligned so that I would be able to meet with Dr. Siddiqui and angry thinking about all of the other doctor appointments I had with nothing more than a referral to another doctor. He wiped my tears and held my hand as we headed home reminding me that what just happened was a great thing, I was getting help. I remember calling my parents once I had composed myself and told them about my appointment and they too were really happy to hear about my plan for treatment. For some reason, I could not share in the full amount of joy as everyone else. I still felt angry, angry that it took 4 months to receive answers. 4 months that I could have been treated, 4 months that I could have been on the road to recovery.
The more I thought and thought, the more the number 16 faded into the distance and the number 4 was burned into my mind. I knew it was wrong to think that way, but I didn't care. I never let anyone know that I was as angry as I was. I remember lying awake that night, in excruciating pain and my mind was reeling. I did not get any sleep that night. My husband got up for work and saw that I was awake and asked, "How long have you been up"? Not wanting him to worry I answered, "Not long". I held my emotions back and remember saying to myself, "you are fine". I slowly got up to shower and I was in physical pain while numb at the same time. I stood in the shower, in pain as the water hit my skin just thinking and thinking and thinking. I can recall thinking that I was over constantly feeling pain, I was done trying to fight through this. I was tired, drained, emotional and anything else you could think of. But nonetheless, I got myself ready, to get positioned in my recliner so that I could work.
Having the ability to work from home was something I was extremely grateful to be able to do. Working from home gave my brain a break from spiraling out of control. It was important to me to push through and not go out on disability. That was something I was refusing to do, I was 36 years old, I am NOT going on disability.
Another reason that I was beginning to spiral inside was thinking about our upcoming family trip during spring break. In my mind, I was already telling myself that I was not going but I would never verbalize that to my husband or stepson as to not damper their thoughts on this annual trip. So, this would turn into another type of internal turmoil that I wrestled with everyday leading up to my March 25 appointment.
Everyday thereafter was the same, the same pain, the same struggles, the same mental fight. It was as if my mind was playing ping pong going back and forth with all of these negative thoughts and no matter what I did, I would never win the match.
March 25 finally arrived and my family was really amping up the excitement for my treatment. I remember saying to myself, "This could be the first day to my road to recovery, be positive". The ride to the Surgery Center was short and quiet, my husband held my hand as he did to and from every other appointment. He pulled up to the drop off area, parked the car and before he got out to help me, he said, "You've got this. You are strong and resilient". He kissed my forehead and got out of the car to help me out. I was shaking, I was anxious, I was nervous, I was scared, I was everything you could imagine.
We checked in and it was not long after until my name was called, and I was taken back by wheelchair. I held on to my husband's hand until I couldn't any longer as the nurse wheeled me back. After getting my vitals taken, my husband sent me a text wishing me luck and to breathe... I responded by sending him this photo with a heart emoji...
A few moments after I hit send, the nurse came around the corner and it was my turn to go back into the operating room. As I entered, I saw Dr. Siddiqui's smiling face and I immediately let out a heavy breath and I felt a lot more at ease. Knowing that Dr. Siddiqui was there to help me, it calmed my nerves a bit. He walked me through every step of this procedure, and he introduced me to the team that was assisting. As they helped me to get onto my stomach on the table, everyone was wonderful asking if I was comfortable and if I needed anything. Dr. Siddiqui came over and stated they would begin, and he announced every step as it happened. I am not going to lie, it was painful, but I couldn't have asked for a better process.
Fast forward to being released, my husband slowly got me into the car and I cried. I cried because my back hurt when they inserted the needle, I cried because my leg hurt and I because I know everything went well.
We got home and I got into bed and my husband kept saying, this is temporary pain to help your prolonged pain. Tomorrow will feel better, the injection site will feel better, your leg will feel better, I kept repeating that to myself over and over that night as uncomfortable as I was. Throughout this whole process from the beginning, I never would have thought that this would have taken the mental toll that it had up to this point.
How am I supposed to think positively when I am in constant pain? How? Why?
Tomorrow will be a new day.....a new day filled with pain.
Thank you for sticking with me. More to come next week...
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